Archived from September 20-26, 2007 Issue MALAYSIAN TODAY

“Should i have this baby?”

LAST week, Malaysian Today talked to J.S., 20. The student revealed that she had discovered a few weeks ago that she was pregnant, and had made up her mind to have an abortion. However, J.S. is

beginning to have second thoughts about what to do. J.S. had already made an appointment to have an abortion when she suddenly became curious about the details of the procedure. “I’d never had an opinion on abortion before,” she says. “And I’d made up my mind previously because I just wanted

the whole thing to go away, so my life could go back to normal.” But J.S. says she was suddenly worried about what exactly was going to happen to her body. “I’d read stories about women have ‘backstreet’ abortions and dying from complications afterwards,” she says. “I wanted to have a good idea what my odds were of dying.” A few hours later, and after leafing through plenty of books in her college’s library, J.S.’ determination to have an abortion had eroded down to uncertainty as to how to proceed. “I am three months pregnant,” she says, adding that she knows she still has a chance of aborting the foetus legally and with conditions if it was under 120 days. “I saw one of those scientific drawings of what a baby will look like at this stage, and I wondered if being a mother now would necessarily be such a bad thing. “I could have the baby, finish my degree, then get a job. The more I thought about it, the more I thought, ‘Maybe...’ But then I thought, ‘Who’s going to look after my baby when I’m at work?’ I decided to postpone the abortion so I could read more about it.” But when J.S. told her boyfriend about her decision, his reaction was not what she had hoped for. “He didn’t yell or cry or anything,” she recounts. “But he didn’t say anything, either. “He’s been very distant towards me

lately. He was very supportive when I said I wanted the abortion, but now when I’m saying I need to be sure, it’s like he’s withdrawn completely.” She recalls his response when she suffered a bout of morning sickness recently. “I was rushing to get to the toilet, but vomited a bit on the bathroom floor.

He came in and said: ‘Do you think you could aim for the toilet bowl?’” J.S. has been relying on advice from her friends regarding her boyfriend’s behavior, since she admits she doesn’t know him all that well,” she admits. “He’s had girlfriends before, but he’s my first. I’ve asked all our friends why

he’s acting so strange, and they said he’s just scared. He loves me, but he can’t help but feel anxious.”

Asked what she thinks her boyfriend – a year her junior - will do if she has the baby, J.S. pauses for a while before answering slowly, “I know he would definitely give financial support.” But still, J.S. isn’t sure what to do. “Whether or not having a baby is convenient for my boyfriend is not my primary

concern,” she says. “I’m thinking about whether it is convenien of becominga renowned judge, but how many single mothers who got pregnant out of wedlock have you heard of becoming judges?” J.S. does not want to consider adoption. “I’ve visited orphanages and foster homes here, and I don’t like what I see,” she explains. “Besides, my parents would have a problem with me giving up their first grandchild for adoption.” Herein lies J.S.’ biggest fear so far: the reaction of her much-loved parents. “I love my parents very much, and I know they love me,” she says. “But they’d be heartbroken if they found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t bear the disappointment. I’d never ever be able to live it down.” J.S. says she has frequently thought about talking to her parents to get more clarity, but in the end has decided not

to because of their stand on abortion. “My parents don’t support abortion,” she remarks. “If I tell them I’m pregnant, then decide later I want to have an abortion, I wouldn’t be able to because they wouldn’t let me.” A couple of days ago, J.S. went for an ultrasound at a private clinic. She thought that afterwards, she’d have a better picture on what to do. But the experience has left J.S. even more miserable and confused. “I went alone to the clinic,” she says. “And when I saw the image, I was in awe. I thought for a moment, ‘I can so do this.’ But I was alone, and after a while, that fact just sunk in. I realised that despite what I was telling myself, there was no  way I could do it alone. “I also realised there was no way I could hurt my parents by telling them.” For now, J.S. appears quite content to adopt a Scarlett O’Hara attitude towards her pregnancy. “What will be, will be,” she concludes, leaving many people – herself definitely included – wondering what exactly she will do. One thing’s for sure, she truly wishes she practised safe sex, all the time. “There were times we didn’t use any protection

and I guess that’s why I’m in this predicament now. Just wish we had been more careful…But it’s too late now, isn’t it…” for ME