ARCHIVED FROM February 21-27, 2008 MALAYSIAN TODAY

The Stalker

What do you do if someone whom you had just met believed you were meant to be together and started stalking you? Joan Lee (not her real name) was a subject of this neurotic, obsessive adulation. Here, she shares her story with writer Mia Amran.

WHAT do the movies Fatal ttraction, The Fan, Fear,Single White Femaleand Swim Fan have in

common? They involve a talker. The stalker is the central figure of the film. And in the movies, these intense characters are unrelenting in their pursuit to gain the attention, admiration, adulation and all encompassing love from his or her centre of affection… whatever the cost.

Guy interested in girl. Girl’s not keen. Guy pursues. Girl stays cool. Guy starts to follow girl around. Girl irritated and frightened. “Till death do us part, “says guy. Girl says: “Go to hell…” Guy brings out knife, chases her around. Girl stands her ground, chops him down... Crowd goes home happy… Such flicks almost always make for great pop corn outings. But what if YOU couldn’t even go out to catch such a movie, what more traipse home happily after a fun outing. What if

you found your movements being much restricted… and it wasn’t because your parents had grounded you? What if you were frightened because YOU were under the watchful eye of a stalker? The dictionary defines a stalker as a person who stalks game: someone who is obsessed

with a person and makes it a point to know what the object of his affection is all about; what she does, what she likes, where she lives, where she hangs out, and so on. Stalkers usually believe that they have an emotional tie with the subject being stalked and that there is an existing relationship.

Malaysian Today recently received a letter from a reader, Joan Lee* who related to us her own creepy stalker experience with a guy she barely knew. “I first met Ahmad at an open house. His parents know mine. We were introduced and that was it; we didn’t chat or exchange phone numbers or anything. Several days later, he called to speak to my mother and asked for my mobile number. That’s when it all started… “He began calling me up incessantly. I was nice to him at first. I didn’t flirt or encourage

him in any way. Besides, I had a boyfriend. After a while, it got so annoying I told him to stop calling me. I dropped hints about my boyfriend. I thought that would do the trick, and returned to London the following week where I was studying. “He didn’t stop. He continued to call me in London too! He got my number from my sister. I had told her about him, so when she passed him the number, she  hanged the last digit. “He must have tried all the combinations, how else would he have reached me otherwise? I finally snapped and told him to leave me alone. He didn’t. He kept calling. It got to

the point where I would just hang up as soon as I heard his voice. “He didn’t know where I lived in London so he would send gifts to my home in KL. He sent soft toys and cards, a mobile phone even. I refused to accept any of his gifts. We’d just give them away. “Then he contacted my boyfriend one day

to ask about me. My boyfriend was bemused to say the least so I really screamed at Ahmad the next time he called me. It seemed to work. I didn’t hear from him after. “A year passed without any news from him… until I got onto a popular social networking site; Facebook. When he requested to be my friend online I thought ‘why not?’ I assumed he had learnt his lesson. ”How very wrong I was. “When I came back for the holidays, he started his stalker behaviour again. He would drive past my house several times a day and call me. I was forced to change my mobile number because of this. “About a week after, he upped his freakish behaviour and started following me around! As I was about to go out one day, a car drove into my driveway. I thought it was someone delivering something but it was him!

“That made me angry. I became a bit scared too. He followed me to the petrol station and just sat in his car, watching me. He tried to follow me after that luckily there were a lot of cars on the road so I managed to lose him. After my coffee date with a couple of friends, I went home. “To my horror I saw him in my driveway speaking to my dad! I just ignored him and walked into the house. From that point on, we made sure that the gate was always shut. “When I found out that he claimed to be engaged to me in Facebook, that was the last straw! I messaged him and told him to leave me alone. He said he would. But he lied. He began stalking my friends too! He’d find out where they were hanging out and just stand there and stare at them. He wouldn’t attempt to speak to them but he’d make his presence felt. It used to make my friends really uncomfortable and angry. It’s unnerving trying to have a good time when someone’s standing nearby staring at you. He also sent me an email with pictures of

himself! It made my skin crawl. I forwarded it to my close friends just so everyone was kept in the loop in case anything untoward happened. I really couldn’t take it anymore so we approached his parents with the problem. Completely unaware of their son’s behaviour, they promised to speak to him. Ahmad then disappeared off the radar… but not for long. He turned up at my doorstep again with a gift for me. My dad tried telling him nicely that I wouldn’t want it and that he should just leave. He got agitated and  old my dad that he and I were seeing each other and that my dad didn’t know the full story. “Let me tell you that anyone who didn’t know me would have been totally convinced by him. “He told my dad: `You don’t know your daughter very well, do you? You don’t know what she’s doing, or who she hangs out

with…’ “Anyway, the guy just wouldn’t listen to reason and in the end, he just left the gift on the doorstep. We got rid of it. We had to speak to his dad again and he finally got the message. These days, I still see him driving past my house, but he claims he’s visiting friends in the neighbourhood. As long as he stays out of my way, I don’t care what he does! I know some people may be reading this

and thinking ‘what’s the big deal? It’s flattering’. Well, let me tell you that it’s not flattering at all. It’s very disturbing to think of this person thinking of you and making up stories about you. “The scary thing is he believed it to be real! I mean, I was lucky that he wasn’t dangerous but other people may not be so lucky. If you do encounter someone like this, tell someone. Don’t just keep it to yourself. You never know what he or she may be capable of.”