In conjunction with the International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking, which falls on June 26, Malaysian Today speaks to five recovering drug users from Persatuan Pengasih Malaysia. They share their stories, regrets and hopes for the future.

Sarah* (not her real name) was only 19 when her boyfriend pushed her to try amphetamines (or known by the street name of ice), just for the fun of it. "I tried for entertainment, for the joy of it," she confesses, as she sat beneath a slowly spinning fan, next to four other young people –all of them former drug users who are now seeking help and on the road to recovery at Persatuan Pengasih Malaysia, a non-governmental organisation dedicated to the recovery of drug users.
"It felt good, and it made me feel somewhat 'light'," she says. "Euphoric, almost." 
Inside the shady coolness of an airy little 'pondok', she recalls that her parents were shocked beyond words when they found out she was using drugs. "They were shocked –I am usually so quiet at home, and they asked me 'why are you like this?".
Sarah was studying electrical engineering in Politeknik Seberang Prai when the drugs caught up with her and her grades started to suffer. "My parents then took me to Pengasih, and I have been here for two months. They want me to stay here for six months."
The support she has received here is tremendous, she notes – and it is largely due to the uniqueness of Pengasih. Pengasih, established in 1991, is run and managed entirely by former (and recovered) drug users. Around 100 recovering drug addicts now call Pengasih their home, and Sarah is one of those who has benefitted greatly from the help given.
"Here at Pengasih, I have learnt to be responsible and self-confident without drugs. Pengasih has helped me to say No," she shares. 
"While I was using, my friends would stay away from me, and I was spending around RM50 to RM100 a day on ice –to a point where I grew deeply paranoid, and I was having hallucinations," she admits. Her eyes are bright now, as she speaks, and her voice is soft. "My biggest regret would be the loss of my parents' trust in me. It's so difficult now to regain that trust."
"I want to finish my studies after I am recovered and leave Pengasih. I hope to open a beauty parlor someday," she says.
Sitting next to her in this interview is Ady* (not his real name), who had his first experience with drugs when he was 17. "I wanted to try ice. All my friends at that time were also using drugs, and I was invited to one of their homes, to have a go at it." Peer pressure influenced his decision at that time.
Ady, who is 22, has been in Pengasih for the past two months. "I was hooked on that feeling of euphoria without even realising it –I felt boosted, energetic and confident." 
"However, after about a month since I began, my supply ran out and I felt the withdrawal symptoms –my friend would supply me with drugs for free at first, but I soon began to buy up to RM100 of drugs from a dealer daily." 
Ady describes the common effects of taking amphetamines – confidence, alertness, increased energy and focus, but he never saw the consequences that were headed his way. 
He says he once introduced drugs to another friend who was also curious about drugs, and that friend went on to become an addict. Ady has no idea what has happened to that friend, but given the chance, he would help the friend get help from Pengasih.
Ady now battles with Hepatitis A (an infectious liver disease) from sharing needles with other drug users, but his greatest regret is how much he has disappointed his parents – his mother especially. 
"My mother had a brother who died from drugs," he shares. "And now I feel a huge amount of guilt." 
Guilt is something Aidil* (not his real name) knows and holds now as an ache in his heart. When his mother passed away some months ago, he went out and bought, in one go, two bricks of marijuana, worth nearly RM2,500.  
Aidil first started smoking marijuana, or 'weed' when he was 17 under the influence of his friends, of whom over a quarter of them are on drugs as well. "I did it because they were all doing it. I wanted to follow them."
Aidil had studied Automotive Engineering for three years at Tractors Malaysia in Puchong – even though he would arrive to class completely stoned, or high. 
"My dad knew I was doing weed, but he 'closed one eye', so to speak," he says. "But eventually, my dad tricked and lied to me to get me to go to Pengasih, but I now know why he did that. He loves me, and he truly wants me to get better."'
Aidil admits that he is consumed with guilt towards his late mother, and that he is determined to stop the talking, and do the walking towards recovery. 
For those who find themselves in the clutches of the drug habit, Aidil advises empathically to seek help. "Be honest to yourself, and stop manipulating your thoughts. Don't lie to yourself by saying you won't get addicted." 
"You can blame your friends, or your peers, but the fault lies with you as well," he says. "I regret to say that I have even influenced a number of young people to smoke marijuana. At that time I felt it a personal mission to influence another to use drugs. I had thought that drugs were the answer."
 "It is never easy to give up drugs, for drug users will make up all sorts of excuses to themselves to justify doing it," he says. "For the authorities to eliminate drugs completely, they must employ actual experience of recovery in their efforts – words can so easily go in the left ear and out from the right." 
Aidil reckons that many young people experiment with drugs for much the same reason as he did – to feel a part of a group. Although he wants to continue with his future after Pengasih, he wants to first repair the damage that has pulled his family apart. "I want to repair my relationship with my family first, before anything – with my father and my two brothers."
While Aidil seeks reconciliation, Dicky* (not his real name), 22, has most likely lost his own brother for good. When his family found out he was on drugs, his younger brother disowned him. 
"He refused to acknowledge me as his brother," says Dicky. "The rest of my family could not accept it at all at first."
Having run away from home when he was 16, Dicky was living in Klang before he decided that he was old enough to live on his own. "I stayed with a friend's brother, and he was a dealer. I began to use amphetamine type stimulants – ketamines, ecstasy, LSD (which is a hallucinogen) and heroin." 
With the drugs, says Dicky, he felt confident, carefree, and had bundles of energy, but this was the high before the low – he now suffers from nerve problems and insomnia. The drugs were bought using the allowance his family would give him.
"I was not working, but after SPM my family supported my studies in Business Studies at Universiti Teknologi Mara – it was with my pocket money that I bought the drugs, anything from RM500 to RM700," he says. 
Dicky hopes to be able to continue his studies when he finally recovers and leave Pengasih, at the very least until he gains a diploma. 
"Drugs will destroy you," he says, unflinchingly. "Think twice before you say yes, because it will destroy your life." Dicky also cautions the young never ever to think 'try, try' and to be strict and honest to oneself. 
"Take away that false belief that you will not get addicted, and that you can try and not get hooked. Because you will," he says. 
Dicky also shamefully admits that he has influenced a girl to use drugs as revenge for past events. 
Mohammad* (not his real name), 34, first used drugs when he was 20 – and he has been battling his addiction to marijuana as well as alcoholism for over 10 years now. Having moved to Kuala Lumpur from Penang, he lived with a colleague and took marijuana for fun for the first time. He would also get drunk and high on weed, until his parents found out and rushed down to KL. There, his parents sought out a wife for him, and he tied the knot when he was 26. Although the first few months as husband and wife were alright, he began to use drugs again when he began meeting up with old friends. 
At that time he was also under pressure from his work and his wife. He had managed to stay sober and clean before, for as long as two years, but after the birth of his first child he was at it again. He had even undergone rehabilitation before in Southern India, though he did not specify when. He now regrets the hurt he has inflicted on his wife and family. 
"I know I must have hurt them a lot, and I hope to be able to continue my work when I am recovered." 
Mohammad admits to having caused a heroin addiction in a close friend, who had barged in on him while he was using the drug. "This friend kept asking what I was doing but I kept saying 'nothing'," he remembers. "But my friend was insistent, and eventually he got high and wanted more."
All of them agreed on one thing, despite the differences in their each individual experience with drugs; all stereotypes about drug abuse being only among those too poorly educated or from shattered homes are completely and utterly false. 
Drugs, they say, does not discriminate. Truth of the matter is, it can be pushed upon absolutely to anyone. In the end, the best way to avoid this is to have the support of one's family, and to judge for oneself the right and wrong crowd.